Sand Castles -- Clean Everyday Humor

Wool Sweaters and Getting Rid of Food Baby

2011-12-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

Part I

My husband watched a video today about getting rid of "Food Baby." You know that pouchy thing that resembles being pregnant, but caused by eating?

Part II

During my Mitten Knittin' class last month, besides learning how to REALLY knit a mitten, I learned about felting, and that if you take a wool sweater and boil and agitate it, it will shrink. To demonstrate to my husband, I put on an XL wool sweater I got at a second hand store, explaining how it will get small.

Part II

Hubby: Will that work with my Food Baby? Will it shrink if I boil and agitate it?

Opening Day for Deer Season

2011-11-15T07:17:00.000-08:00

(Disclaimer: Read no further on this post if you're a vegetarian or wear or use leather products.)

My friend Rachel put on her FB page this morning: "The sign is on the door -- We interrupt this marriage to bring you the hunting season."

My friend Janey put on her FB page: "RUN, Bambi, RUN!"

This reminds me of a couple I knew years ago. While the daddy went off deer hunting, the mommy took the girls to a movie in a theatre. What was playing? You guessed it: Bambi.

Go to sleep, little baby!

2011-11-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

Many of you know that this summer I became a grandmother. I have my grandbaby's photo as my desktop background. Each night before I put the computer into hybernation, I say to the screen, "Go to sleep, little baby." Then I press the "sleep" key and the light go out.

My First Attempt at Knitting a Toddler Mitten

2011-11-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

It looks more like a duck-hood, as my DH so gently put it.

Texting While Driving

2011-09-30T10:16:00.001-07:00

And THIS is what happens when you drive a tractor while texting!

Arrrgh. It be de 9th Talk Like A Pirate Day!

2011-09-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

I be talkin' all de day long, like a pirate, see? All me pirate jokes be used last year. But this year, I be readin' a Louis L'Amour book called THE WARRIOR'S PATH. It be told in the 1620's along t'east coast of new America like. I be readin' it, thinkin' it be all about frontier men and Indians like. Den dis mornin' while readin' de story, guess where de hero done sails off to? Port Royal, Pirate Capital! ARRRRGH. It be a fittin' surprise fer dis day, me buckles . Yes, it be.

Hopin' ye have smooth sailin' fer de rest of dis here day like.

Arrrrrgh.

Talk Like A Pirate Day Be Tomorrow!

2011-09-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

Argh, me hearties! Tomarrow it be Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Argh. Be ye rememberin’ it all t’day long, like.

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe, cont.

2011-08-01T08:23:00.001-07:00

I'm standing next to my husband, explaining to a friend how stressful it is on us from the long-taking work on our house from May's storm.

"We constantly make word substitutions, or revert to pointing at something in order to communicate," I said. "Our brains are mush."

"Yes," agreed my husband. "And forgetful, too. Just this morning, I forgot my binoculars."

We looked at each other and cracked up laughing. We both KNEW he'd meant to say glasses. We're praying our friends and acquaintances will understand, and hopefully, whenever our house gets fixed, we'll go back to a new normal.

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe, cont

2011-07-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

I was only gone for a few minutes. Honest.

There have been construction workers and masons and plasterers here off and on all day. My poor hubby came home from work, exhausted, so attempted to catch a few winks before supper. With the workers gone, I suddenly remembered I hadn’t picked up the mail. It’s only 70 steps from our front door. 140 steps all together. When I came back into the house, my groggy husband was laughing on the phone. I almost picked up an extension, because, from his joviality, it had to be a relative, especially since he was talking on his cell phone, a number which only a few people have -- which also meant I couldn’t have picked up an extension, anyway.

When he hung up, he told me he was so embarrassed that even his eyeballs hurt. The voice on the other end sounded exactly like his brother in Wisconsin. The voice said, “Hi. I’m Bob your plasterer.” Well, as it happened, BRUCE, our plasterer had just left our house a couple of hours earlier, so DH responded, “You are such a con artist. Oh, har-har-har! Some contractor you are.” Apparently, the person on the other end of the line became defensive at this greeting, and explained that he couldn’t get back to him sooner since his wife was dying and they were at the Cleveland Clinic. This definitely wasn’t his brother. But why did he even have our cell phone number?

A million apologies later, my husband finally hung up and tried to find a place to hide, even though Bob couldn’t see him. I tried to assure him that some day, when our house is all put together again, and we can look back on things which happened during this time, that he would probably find this funny. He moaned pitifully before slinking off into the basement.

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe

2011-07-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

This morning we “lost” our dumpster. It was full, from our stuff as well as a neighbor's. A semi-truck came, sinking its wheels onto our lawn, and drove the rusty old thing away.

Many neighbors still have their dumpsters from the storm which struck our area in May, or else their dumpsters have disappeared because their houses are completely repaired. Not ours though.

Somehow, we felt helpless watching it leave. Because our house isn’t fixed, and now we don’t even have a dumpster, my husband commented, “It feels like we’re second class recoverees.”

Now, we're keeping our eyes out for the return of an empty dumpster in our green-ish yard. That would mean workers would be returning to... work. Yea for dumpsters!

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe

2011-07-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

One of the problems of stress and lack of sleep is memory messing. For example, although it’s been over seven weeks since the storm struck our house, I’m still flipping on (and back off) light switches in rooms without power.

Another big problem is word substitutions. At first they were frustrating, then scary (to happen so often), but now we just laugh at them, and live with the hope that someday our memories will return to us whole once more.

Another example: After our construction workers left, I checked the blue tarp over our empty space which would someday hold a window. Because a storm was coming, I informed my husband that “the construction guys buttoned down the tarp.” Of course, I meant battened, but the image of these strong men taking the time to button a large tarp to a house set me into a fit of giggles. (Perhaps you needed to be there… Perhaps you're glad you weren’t.)

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe

2011-07-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

Because a tree crashed through our old windows, now at last, six weeks later, our new windows showed up in our construction person’s red truck. My husband looked out and said, “ I wonder if it was a pane to drive them here?” I groaned and he continued, “You should have seen through that.”

Tired and Stressed Out Conversation

2011-07-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

So… we’re at the breakfast table, listening to the Amish workers next door using power tools, when my husband asked how they got to town if they don’t believe in driving cars, or how they could use power tools if they don’t believe in electricity.

I then remember a fact we learned at a fair years ago. “Remember that one fair where the pigs ran for the mash? Mash for the Dash?”

DH: “I think you mean, Dash for the Mash. Wasn’t it in New York?”

Me: “Yes, of course. Well, it was at that fair, in one of the buildings where we learned… was it the Amish or the Shakers? I can’t remember which. But a man invented a vacuum cleaner and a woman invented… something that men use… Am I rambling.”

DH: “Of the ten things you tried to say just now, three were probably lies, three were made up and three were true… Crap. What did you do with the other one?”

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe, cont

2011-07-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

After having cleared out our three refrigerators from the week without power, I stated to my husband, "I have a new food rule."

He responded, "Eat anything you want?"

I blinked, then amended, "I have two new food rules: eat anything you want, and don’t keep leftovers in the refrigerator more than two days."

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe, cont -- Plan of Attack

2011-06-15T07:46:00.000-07:00

The morning after the storm, our son went to the store for supplies for us, then drove five hours to get here. He gave us a much-needed shot in the arm with his enthusiasm, youth and strength to help with the clean-up.

The following morning, the first thing he said to us was, “So? What's the plan of attack?” My husband responded, “Surrender?”

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe -- electrical breakers

2011-06-13T03:44:00.000-07:00

While we were without power, my husband turned off the breakers. With two tree through our house, we didn’t know what electrical damage had been done, nor what would happen when the power came back on.

When the power returned six days later, we had to check the breaker switches in the basement, one at a time to find out which rooms they went to. They were marked by a previous owner in “doctor’s handwriting,” i.e., difficult to impossible to read. With cell phones on, my husband and I communicated which lights came on in which part of the house. When he switched the one to the master bedroom and den-home-office, a light flickered, and the breaker immediately switched off by itself.

My husband ascended from the basement chuckling. The breaker switch for the master bedroom and den was labeled as “Bug and Yard.”

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe, cont -- kid's tornado observation

2011-06-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

A few days after the tornado, I needed to get a haircut. I wanted to do something to make me look pretty. My own hairstylist lives in a town a half an hour away. I didn’t want to spend that much time away from our storm-damaged house, so I went to a cheap local place. The young stylist gave me a cut which looks like she put a bowl over my head, but that’s a different story. Something else amusing happened at this new place.

A father and his six-year-old son were there, getting their haircuts. The kid started talking animatedly about the tornado, and with large gross motor action, showed everyone how “a branch flew right past my cheek.” That was a scary-enough retelling, especially from a child’s point of view. But then he added, “… and this is my favorite cheek.”

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe, cont.

2011-06-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

I’m not so sure if this is so much funny as it is curious or creepy. The day after our tornado, the birds were acting very strangely, especially the starlings. They stood on the squirrel shield of the feeder or on the grass beneath it. They tilted their heads to the side and opened their beaks, and froze, remaining like that for minutes at a time. The starlings eyes were also a brighter white than I’d ever seen, especially against their shiny blue-black heads. (Try as I might, I can't find the photos I took of them! You'll just have to believe my words.)

Probable explanation for their behavior/look: The weeks and days up to the storm, the temperature had been in the 30’s at night and 50’s during the day. The day after, it was 90 degrees. I’m thinking their peculiar action was merely because they were suddenly hot. Although, personifying them, perhaps they were in grief of their nests, chicks, and friends who didn’t make it through the storm. (Okay, NOW who’s being creepy?)

The Lighter Side of Catastrophe – The Mailbox Story

2011-06-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

We came home this morning to find the city taking down our 100’ leaning hickory tree. After we got home and the guys took a mini break, my husband went out and took down our mailbox, which was beneath the tree. He brought it to the house and leaned it up against the railing on our front porch. We figured we’d get skipped for mail today, but with everything going on this past week+ with the tornado, that was not a big concern.

When the hickory guys left, my husband went to put the mailbox back on the post. He noticed the mailbox door ajar. When he looked in, mail was inside it!

So… if we would have put the box up on the roof, would it be delivered up there?

With so much to sigh over during this ordeal, it's the little things which crack us up. Now I just can’t get it out of my head to put a mailbox up on our roof to see what happens.

Burglars

2011-06-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

We had a tornado come through our neighborhood last week. We still have no Internet. Monday night, I went to my husband's office to use the business Internet while he was at a meeting. We returned home at 9:30 p.m. to find the front door closed, but unlocked.

Since the tornado, our mental states have been random and shaky at best. My husband was unsure if there was actually someone in the house, or if we'd left it unlocked. (He usually checks things like that before we leave.)

So I cried out, "Hi, we're home!" Stupid thing to do if there was truly a burglar in the house! Because there was no running or crashing escape, we advanced further in. "Is anything missing?" I yelled to my husband, who started checking the far end of the house. I heard a door open and shut in the hallway. He shouted back, "Oh, no! All our bedroom furniture is gone!"

(Because we're missing part of our bedroom walls, we'd moved all the furniture from there into the living room a few days earlier in preparation for reconstruction work.)

Tree Removal Humor

2011-06-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

A tornado went through our neighborhood a week ago. That wasn’t funny in the least. But there was no human loss, for which we were all very grateful. But the noise! Generators screeched all night long, and chain saws buzzed all day. Because there was no power, people worked from sunup to sunset.

At 8 p.m. a few days later, while trying to cut away at the base of our 60-year-old fallen oak suddenly the tree removal guys stopped their machines, even though there was another 90 minutes worth of daylight. It was eerily quiet.

My husband commented: “They stopped! I wonder if they got stumped?”

Coke and Mentos

2011-05-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

I so totally relate to this video. It reminds me of things my siblings and father used to do. You can see something coming... wait for it...

http://video.yahoo.com/stupidvideos-24317891/justplainstupid-24039268/high-flying-mentos-mix-25339747.html#crsl=%252Fstupidvideos-24317891%252Fjustplainstupid-24039268%252Fhigh-flying-mentos-mix-25339747.html

Animal Joke

2011-05-26T14:20:00.001-07:00

Question: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?

Answer: Holes all over Australia.

It's all about the Timing

2011-05-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

May has been crazy. (Anything different from normal? Not so much.) But it seems that instead of blogging, I've given in to other priorities this month. I thought of lots of great funnies to post here the past few weeks. There was this really good one I had for May Day, and another for Mother's Day, and several entries from my son's 3rd grade journal we just re-discovered cracked me up. And that end of the world business? I could have posted lots about that, too. But I let the month keep slip-sliding away. I did end up doing a lot of writing and a lot of yard work, but neither of those were too very giggly to write about here.

ALL THIS brings me to a very important point about humor: timing. I could share a Mother's Day funny here and now, but it wouldn't be nearly as amusing as it would have been then and there.

So... until another day, keep looking for funnies.

The Proper Way to Hang Toilet Paper

2011-05-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

And the battle goes on...

Which is the proper way to hang toilet paper? With the roll hanging next to the wall, or away from the wall. Check out this Squidoo site for reasons and photos:

http://www.squidoo.com/Ways-To-Hang-Toilet-Paper

Brotherly Humor

2011-04-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Our two sons decided to have a reunion in Las Vegas, each taking a couple of their friends. Late one night, the “boys” were sitting around a table when an inebriated girl came up to them, followed by her friends. She spoke first to our older son.

“It’s my 21st birthday. You’re cute. Are you married?”
“Yes.” He tapped his wedding ring.
“But are you happily married?”
“Yes! But he isn’t.” With a sly smile, he pointed to his brother. She turned on him.
“So are you married?”
Honest son that he is, he answered, “No.”
The girl then asked, “But are you happily married?”
He thought about it for half a sec, then answered, “Yes!”
The girl moved on to another table.

Video Link Thursday

2011-04-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

And for the last Thursday of National Humor Month, 2011, I give you The Rev. Billy Bob:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5EhFFlc66o

Fly in the Soup Day

2011-04-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

(Personal note: Today, I’m in Grand Rapids, MI, leading two workshops at Calvin College’s Youth Writers Festival working with middle school and high school youth. The name of the two workshops? “Getting on Your Funny.” Guess what I’ll be talking/teaching about?)

And for our final Fly in the Soup joke during this year’s National Humor month, here is an example of Escape or Release humor.

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Oh, thank goodness! I thought it might be that mouse again.

Funny Foto Tuesday

2011-04-26T07:21:00.001-07:00

This is not my own photo, and admittedly, a bit on the crude side, but I couldn't resist including it this month to show different types of humor. For you Dr. Who fans, you will either love it or hate it. (Passed on to me by Scott Jefferies/ Bill Binns)

Store Sign Humor

2011-04-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

At a local restaurant, they often advertise “Half Off Buffet.”

We just wonder which half is missing? The bottom half? The left half? Do they give out half plates? What?

National Humor Month -- Clean Jokes #5 & #6

2011-04-23T05:44:00.000-07:00

Question: Where do rabbits go when they get married?
Answer: On their bunnymoon.

The name of a best-selling rabbit book: HAVING BIG FAMILIES by Y. Nott

Personal Story Funny

2011-04-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

My mother had a heart attack. (That, actually, was not very funny.) As soon as I was contacted by phone, I threw clothing enough for four days into a bag and within ten minutes, was on the road. I made the four hour drive in a little over three hours. I arrived at 11:00 p.m., and was informed by an in-law that I couldn’t see my mother. Rebel that I was, I replied, HA!

I jumped back into the car and drove to the hospital. When I went into her ER room, she seemed to be sleeping. I didn’t say anything, but just stood over her. Suddenly her eyes popped open, and she cried out in surprise. That set off all sorts of alarms and whistles on her machines. The nurses to came rushing. They gave me threatening looks, while both my mother and I tried to stop laughing. Great, I thought. I’d come to comfort my Mom, and instead nearly killed her with a second heart attack.

When I got back to my parents’ apartment, I’d discovered that there wasn’t a single piece of clothing I’d thrown into my bag which matched anything else. Mother recovered, just fine, but I’m guessing the nurses are still talking about the mis-matched clown who tried to kill one of their patients in the middle of the night.

Funny Video Link Thursday

2011-04-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

And for Peter and Amanda...

The "Talk"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCjMGOvMghY

Fly in the Soup Day

2011-04-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

(Today’s joke is an example of Rationalization Humor.)

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Now there’s a fly who knows good soup.

Funny Foto Tuesday

2011-04-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

In honor of our son, John who came into this world laughing and continues to embrace the funny: A Funky Cactus.

Another Funny Road Sign

2011-04-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

Near VanBuren State Park (MI), there is a big brown information sign along the road just before the Park. It reads: “Michigan Critical Dunes.” Is this a warning to all who enter that the sand dunes will criticize us or find things to complain about? (I wouldn't blame them.)

National Humor Month -- Clean Joke #4

2011-04-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

(Apologies for the delay -- computer crashing....) Joke: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers? A nervous wreck.

Another Family Funny

2011-04-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

When bathing my infant son, he pointed to something in the tub and asked, “What dat?” From his previous experiences, there were occasionally brown floating things in the water, but this was not one of those. It was a bug. I said more for myself than in response to him: “shark.” The poor kid quickly scooted to the far end of the tub. I didn’t even know he knew the word. Maybe he didn’t, but in his little mind, that thing in the tub had a name, and he was getting away from it. (Bad, bad Mama!)

Video Day Link -- The Lama Song

2011-04-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

Need I say more? Except... here it is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMYN4djSq7o&feature=related

Fly in the Soup Joke Day

2011-04-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Today’s joke is an example of Miss-The-Main-Point humor. Customer: Waiter, waiter! There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Hey! What do you think I am? I’m a waiter, not a lifeguard.

French Creek Sign

2011-04-12T03:17:00.000-07:00

Our family has always liked to hike. In the southern Black Hills of South Dakota, there's a trail which follows (and crosses numerous times) French Creek. At the trail head is this warning sign. Thing is, it does not even mention the fact that there are free roaming bison in the area, and that every year someone is gored. And, yes, we did hike a portion of this lengthy trail, backpacking in and spending the night.

Nite Crawlers

2011-04-11T03:40:00.000-07:00

There is a restaurant south of Jackson, Michigan, called Nite Crawlers. They advertise a special Friday Night Fish Fry. How ironic is that... for those worms?

April Clean Joke #3

2011-04-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

A Personal Funny

2011-04-08T03:51:00.000-07:00

When I was 19 years old, I was a chaperone for 50 inner city high schoolers from Des Moines on a cultural trip to Minneapolis. It was a long drive. Most of them slept through the Shakespearean play. We stayed at a hotel. As the other female chaperone and I patrolled the halls after curfew, we smelled something funny. My partner recognized it as marijuana.

I knocked on the door from which the odor emanated. No answer. I knocked again, identifying who we were, and that they had better open up, RIGHT NOW. Still no answer. I pounded on the door, telling the occupants through the closed door that they had better stop what they were doing or the hotel would kick us all out in the middle of the night, to say nothing about getting arrested. It was late. Not a peep of a response. I didn’t feel like packing up and getting 50 sleepy kids back on a bus to another state. So we went to bed.

In the morning, I checked the roster of rooms where our people stayed. I was going to really chew those girls out for being so stupid. It was then that I discovered the room I pounded on in the night was not one of the rooms on our list of kids.

Video Link Day

2011-04-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to yet another day of National Humor Month.

I'm trying to remain disciplined. I really am. Last month I decided to have Thursdays be "share a video link" day for this bit of humor every day in April. Thing is, I really don't like opening forwarded links from friends. Some email me links only, and never even say "howdy." That being said, snatches of video are very common. SO, I gave in and will share at least one video link with you.

Because I learned how to type on an old-fashioned typewriter, when this clip first passed by my I could honestly relate to it.

A Senior Moment: http://www.myspace.com/video/vid/105171780

Fly In The Soup Day

2011-04-06T06:24:00.000-07:00

There are MANY different types of humor. Just think about the variety of comic strips or political cartoons. Different types of humor tickle different people’s funny bones. On Wednesdays during National Humor Month, I’m going to give examples of a few specific types of humor. Today’s is conceit humor (i.e., relate things which are very different).

Funny Foto Tuesday

2011-04-05T05:22:00.000-07:00

For National Humor Month, each Tuesday, I'm posting a photograph I took which amused me.

Here is a sidewalk going into the lake, warning all who come near. Geese, beware!

Advertisement Sign

2011-04-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

Outside of Bangor, Michigan, there is a bowling alley. It’s called Lariat Bowling Alley with an image of a lasso on the sign. Having lived out west for many years, I pictured what cowboy bowling might look like: They’d swing their lariats over their heads and see how many pins they could rope in.

Clean Jokes #1 & #2

2011-04-02T00:53:00.000-07:00

I've designated Saturdays during April as the day to share jokes I've heard. I’m going to break my discipline on day two of National Humor Month, by giving two jokes (v.s. one). Yay.

What do you get when you cross a dog with a frog? A croaker spaniel.

What do you get when you cross an adult with a moan? A groan-up.

A Family Funny

2011-04-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

I don’t have a single funny thing to share today. APRIL FOOLS!

Time for a family story. When our family moved from wintery Buffalo, NY, to sunny Rapid City, SD, our one son was in 7th grade. Mind you, it does snow in the Black Hills, but usually just up north, and you have to do driving to look for it. In our 8 winters there, our street was only plowed four times. Although, solar snow removal and four-wheel drives were the norm.

Our son went three years just putting on a sweatshirt if it got cold enough to do so. But one week, the temperature stayed in the teens for several days. He finally agreed to wear a coat to school. He put it on. His arms stuck out from his elbows down.

BAD MAMA! He’d grown a lot in those three years, and because he never wore winter coats, bad mama hadn’t thought to buy him one. Bad Mama!!

National Humor Month – The Intro

2011-03-31T10:20:00.000-07:00

Today starts National Humor Month. Isn’t that fun? An entire month set aside to find amusing things in life. In fact, later this month, I will also be teaching workshops in Grand Rapids, MI, to middle school and high school students, titled, “Putting On Your Funny.” I’m ready!

When I was a K-2 (kindergarten through second grade) teacher, April First was a day I just set myself to endure. Kids came in and said things like, “Mrs. Carlson! You’re wearing two different colored shoes!” Of course, I’d look down, and they’d scream, “April Fools!” and roar with laughter. I’d dramatically roll my eyes and respond, “Oh, you got me.” Now when I write “endure,” I mean the ability to act like I’d been fooled for about another fifty times on that day.

One year as a fifth grade teacher, I had a particularly needy group of kids, some whom the police already knew by first name. Along comes the month of April. I told the kids that every day during this National Humor Month, we were going to take time for telling jokes or funny stories. This time their eyes rolled. I lifted a jar, and continued, “You may put in here jokes you find funny.” A couple of the needier kids immediately got out their pencils and started writing. I added, “The stipulations are: 1) They cannot have vulgar language or swear words, or any words you would not say to the principal; and 2) They cannot put down any person or group because of race, culture, or religion.” One boy crumpled his paper and threw his pencil across the room. I never bothered to even peek at the joke he’d started to write.

So now we roll around once more to National Humor Month. I’m no longer teaching elementary kids, and I no longer have little kiddles at home to pull pranks on me. But I do have this blog. (Ha!) Do I have 30 jokes I could share this month, one per day? (You betcha.) Am I going to do that to you. (What do I look like? A kindergartner? Don’t answer that.)

This month I shall ATTEMPT to follow through on the following:

Mondays – record amusing life observances
Tuesdays – Funny photo I’ve taken
Wednesdays – Fly in the Soup Jokes
Thursdays – YouTube or lol Internet links
Fridays - Personal Funny Family Stories
Saturdays - More Jokes

Exit Lines of Dying People

2011-03-29T14:58:00.001-07:00

A dear elderly friend from church is dying. Marilyn knows everyone who comes to church, and even as she lays in her hospice bed and people come to visit, she will ask how some relative or friend of the visitor is doing. Lately in one of her sleepy states, Marilyn kept raising up her hand. Relatives watching from her bedside said it looked just like she was reaching out to God, reaching out for him to take her home. Marilyn held out her hand several times before she muttered something. A daughter drew in close and asked her to repeat what she'd said. Marilyn repeated loud and clear: "I have a Bingo!"

How Do Babies End Up Inside a Mommy?

2011-03-16T07:33:00.001-07:00

Last night, eating out with the gals, one of my friends (Linda) shared the story of her niece who is pregnant, and their six-year-old daughter asking "the" question: "How do babies end up inside a mommy?"

The mother side-stepped the question by explaining, "It's complicated, and rather technical." To which the little sweetie replied, "Hello? I'm a geek."

It's Command Day!

2011-03-04T11:33:00.001-08:00

Yes, folks, it's Command Day. So get out there and .... MARCH FORTH!

(Okay, so it works better when you speak it than when you write it.)

"Kick Me" Signs

2011-02-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

Decades ago, it was funny (to some people) to tape a sign to someone's back saying, "Kick me."

As my husand drove through town the other day, it seemed like every half a block someone pulled out in front of us, and not very safely, either. He commented, "I someone must have put a sign on our front grill reading, "Turn in front of here. NOW."

Ice Storm

2011-02-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

... So I'm walking down our street today, trying to get some good photos of this storm. The ice-covered snow is so thick that my steps don't even crunch through. I took my time, walking with care. Didn't want to slip. I have pictures of icy berries, icy branches, icy forest, icy wires, icy lots of things.

Last night, police sirens kept me awake. They continue going off now and then this morning, too. I imagined all the accidents I'd read about in the past 18 hours. During my 45-minute trek, about five cars passed by, barely traveling faster than I was walking. I thought how foolish they were, driving on ice.

... So I'm in this wooded area, stepping over fallen branches, looking for good shots, when I notice the swaying trees above me. Hmm... 20 mph gusts predicted today... power outages have already happened in the area... with more expected as icy branches take out electrical wires.

I quickly -- but carefully -- waddle my way towards home, praying the branches won't spike me as they fall, wondering just who the foolish person is who is out in this icy weather today.

President's Day Joke, Part I

2011-02-16T08:11:00.000-08:00

Teacher: "Emily, do you know Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?"
Emily: "Doesn't he live in Washington D.C.?"

Valentine's Day Joke

2011-02-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

I love substitute teaching for middle schoolers, dealing with kids and all their emotional angst. If I'm with a particularly "attitude" class, I write on the white board in huge letters: I Y Q. I then have the students read the letters back to me, loudly. After they shout, "I Y Q," I grin at them and with an honest twinkle in my eye, reply, "Golly, thanks. I like you, too."

Sasquatch or Squamous?

2011-02-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

The other day I was in the dermatologist's office, and for the life of me, couldn't remember the type of cancer called "squamous."

I stuttered, "It's squa-- squa-- Sasquatch!" Then I burst out laughing, knowing that wasn't the right word, but the only word which filtered to my lips.

As my husband and I walked down the hall at the end of our visit, we could hear the laughter follow us as our PA told the nurses the story of my word substitution.

What Disabilities?

2011-01-30T12:26:00.000-08:00

I attended a song-writing workshop this past week. Our presenter started out with, "Can anyone give me a starting line for a song?" The woman next to me raised her hand high, waiting to be called on for her suggestion. Thing is, our presenter has been blind since birth.

Michigan Snowbird Resident

2011-01-17T17:13:00.000-08:00

Gone south for the winter.

Sore Throat -- Happy Husband

2011-01-15T12:51:00.000-08:00

I woke this morning with a sore throat. It hurt to swallow. It hurt to talk. So I pantomimed to my husband my situation. He got a silly grin on his face, and then started doing a jig around the house, singing out loud, "I can talk without being interrupted. I can talk without being interrupted."

Store Sign Humor

2011-01-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

Traveling down the road, DH wanted to know what a BOGO chicken was. I laughed, confessed I didn't know the first time I'd seen those letters either, then explained it wasn't a type of chicken, but stood for Buy One, Get One. The display of my worldly knowledge only confused him further. "If you pay for a chicken, don't you get one -- the one you bought?"

So... we have decided that BOGO should actually be BOGOF, although that may be confusing to others. It makes a lot more sense.

How To Make Decisions

2011-01-10T05:54:00.000-08:00

My husband and I were watching a series on DVD. It was near bedtime. There were two episodes left in the two-year series. Should we be foolish and stay up to watch those two, or be wise and get ready for bed?

I was too tired to decide. Apparently, so was he. “Let’s flip a coin,” I suggested. Of course, neither of us had a coin on us, so that meant one of the potatoes getting off the couch just to find a coin to make a late night press-the-button-or-not decision.

On the table next to me was a clean dinner knife I hadn’t used for a snack. “I’ll flip the knife. If it lands on the rug pointing towards the TV, we’ll watch it; if it lands pointing towards us, we’ll go to bed.” At that very logical-to-me solution, there were some threats about what might happen to me and the knife if it landed in the flat screen, but I courageously flipped it anyway. So, how did it land? Exactly perpendicular, i.e., sideways.

I know how we interpreted that, but how would you have?

Epiphany Joke

2011-01-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

Question: What would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of men who came to see the Christ child?

Answer: they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

Hidden Stocking Gifts

2010-12-25T06:32:00.001-08:00

A few years ago, my husband and I bought our three kids identical, really nice (read expensive) stocking gifts. Since it was a few months before Christmas, I hid them away. (Can you hear the punchline coming?) I hid them so well, I haven't been able to find the gifts since. My only hope is that someday, when they're found, they will be worth a lot more than the original cost.

Jury Duty

2010-12-23T05:55:00.000-08:00

My poor old dad was selected for jury duty.

I should say, my poor DEAD dad was selected for jury duty -- nearly a year after he died.

Um... I'm sure we're no longer getting his social security checks. I find it a bitter-sweet thing to laugh about with all sorts of images flying through my mind. Dad died on Christmas Eve day last year.

Christmas Elf Joke

2010-12-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

(Old one:)

Question: What's an elf's favorite music?

Answer: Wrap Music.

Black Smoke, White Smoke, Yellow Smoke

2010-12-17T09:29:00.000-08:00

(Although this title sounds like a Native American family, it's not.)

A couple years ago people built a house diagonally across from us. The neighborhood scuttlebutt was that there were over 200 electrical code failures to be fixed before they moved in. With that gossip in the reaches of my mind, when I saw the smoke pouring out of their basement window, I panicked. I threw on my winter coat and boots, not caring that I hadn't showered or brushed my teeth, nor even met our new neighbors yet. I ran-flailed-slid across the ice and snow to quickly get to their house. We'd moved to Michigan from Western South Dakota, where forest fires (and smoke) were very common. The Michigan habit of burning leaves in the Fall still makes me nervous. So I slip up to new neighbor's door, ring the doorbell and pound away, not caring that it's only 7:30 in the morning. Their house was on fire! Their brand new, multi-code-failured house. The door tentatively opened.

"Your basement's on fire! There's smoke pouring from the window!!!" Notice I didn't even take the time to introduce myself.

"Which window?" (I told them.) "Um... we're doing laundry. That's probably from our dryer."

Colors flashed before the backs of my eyelids in memory recall: Black smoke -- carbon or tire or oil burns; Yellow-Brown smoke -- the Black Hills are burning; White smoke -- cigarettes, or car exhaust on a cold day, or breath on a cold day... or heat from a dryer... on a cold day.

"Um. Hi. I'm your new (crazy) neighbor. Welcome to the neighborhood." (Notice I still didn't introduce myself, hoping that they would forget the entire incident. I slid home and buried my head under a blanket for an hour, trying to forget it happened, too.)

Watch out for Angels

2010-12-11T18:11:00.000-08:00

Driving through Plainwell, Michigan, last week, my husband and I noticed a car with the advertising on it: "Angel Pest Control."

My husband and I laughed as he elaborated: "I bet they're very busy this time of year. Those angels can get rather pesty around now."

Limited Sight Sign

2010-11-13T06:03:00.000-08:00

I saw this road sign yesterday -- it reads: "Limited Sight Distance."

SeaGulls Talk

2010-11-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

When my first born was about six years old, I took his brother and him to a local park in Western New York. The boys were running around and playing, when First Born walks up to me, face pale and concerned. At first I thought something had happened to his brother, but they were both safe.

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"That sea gull just cried for help," he informed me.

I listened, and sure enough, it did sound like the sea gulls were crying "H-EELP!"

It took a while to convince my poor, concerned son that that was just sea gull talk for "Hello." (Makes you wonder where he got the idea that animals can talk, doesn't it?)

My Down Vest -- How Sad

2010-11-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

I told my husband that I had to take my vest to the cleaners because it was down.
He replied: "How sad. Maybe you could play with it, or sing to it, to cheer it up."

Word Play; Play Words

2010-11-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

See lake?
Sea lake.
I see lake.
Burr. Icy lake.

Fall Hiking -- Stick Snakes and Doing a Francie

2010-10-28T14:02:00.001-07:00

I love fall hiking. The colors are amazing; the weather is unpredictable; and the number of two-legged critters are limited. On a 2-hour hike today on new trails, two thoughts occurred to me: 1) Stick Snakes, and 2) Doing a Francie.

Stick Snakes. These guys make me jump and yelp every time I hear and spot one, especially in the fall. They happen when someone hiking behind you happens to kick a stick along the trail just right, and it goes sailing under the fallen leaves to your side and in front of you.

Doing a Francie. I have a good friend named Francie. She is very conscientious about keeping the trails passable. She will pull fallen branches to the side of the trail out of habbit. With 30-60 mph winds the past couple days, the wooded trails are littered with branches and trees. Of course, I couldn't move the fallen trees, but as I hiked along, I'd slip my walking stick under the smaller fallen branches and fling them off trail. I dubbed it "Doing a Francie."

Another Punny Tale

2010-10-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

As I came rushing into the house, I reached the door handle, but missed it, swinging my arm in front of me as in an "aw-shucks" gesture. I said to my husband, "I missed the door." He replied, "Is that the bull-fighter who didn't show?"

An OLD, OLD Joke

2010-10-18T04:11:00.000-07:00

Did you know that tennis is one of the oldest sports? Says so in the Bible. It says, “Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.”

Real Family Tree -- in the woods!

2010-10-16T04:55:00.000-07:00

We hiked yesterday, and came across this tree which seemed to have several nests in it. I found it amusing. My husband called it a Real Family Tree. What do you think?

Substitute Teacher Nightmare

2010-10-04T05:43:00.000-07:00

While I was a substitute teacher in Buffalo, NY, a fellow substitute told me that he rejected all jobs for either P.E. or kindergarten. Since I thought those were easy-breezy subbing days, I asked him why not. It seems that during one of his P.E. kindergarten classes, a boy got stuck in the crawl-through tube of the obstacle course. The sub couldn't talk the child in or out of it, so bent down, reached in, and pulled out... a leg. Neither the sub, nor any of the boy’s classmates knew that he had a prosthetic. I imagine all those screaming kindergartners of that day, all grown up now, still have a fear of tunnels and substitute teachers.

I Love Our Family -- Family Humor

2010-09-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

Every family has their own sense of humor. In my original family, it was all about bathroom humor, or putting-others-down humor. Since getting married, I have moved on to a different style of humor. Naturally, our children have picked up this unique family humor as well. When we get together, quick wit and spontaneous humor flies about us. Conversation from a time when our two adult sons were home: Older Son: So... What are we going to do today? Father: That depends on the outcome of two phone calls at noon. (To determine opening times) Younger Son: If the first call is successful, you will live. Older Son: Define success. (I love our family.)

Bison Joke

2010-09-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

I saw this on a card last week. I'm guessing it tickled my funny bone mostly because I lived in Western South Dakota for nearly a decade, and often saw large herds of bison (some incorrectly call the animal a buffalo).

There was a drawing of a bison standing on its hind legs, talking into a cell phone. The message read: "I love the convenience, but the roaming charges are killing me."

Oh, give me a home... (la-la-la-la-la-la!)

GORP -- Good Old Raisins and Peanuts

2010-09-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

I saw a small baggie laying on our front wall and wondered what it was. My view was partially covered by a large pot.

"Looks like gorp," my husband said.

*Light bulbs go off!*

Sure. I remember sitting in the Michigan sunshine two days before, and eating from the bag ... Wait! Two days? In an oak-neighborhood filled with birds, squirrels and raccoons? I checked the bag. Not even a nibble-hole in it. I opened the bag and ate a handful. Yep, I may not have remembered leaving the gorp bag there, but I did remember how stale the nuts were. I nibbled on a few more, along with the raisins and M&Ms and thought how picky our neighborhood wildlife was.

It reminded me of one of our honeymoon experiences where our backpacking meal tasted so bad, we couldn't eat it. Thinking to not waste the food, but let the raccoons whom we knew abounded there have a treat in the night, we left it on the picnic table, and crawled happily into our tent. In the morning we found raccoon prints on the picnic table, but the awful-tasting meal was left untouched by the gourmet critters.

One positive thing I've learned from this experience is: chocolate doesn't get stale! So... off to finish up my M's without the GOR&P.

Three Pirate Jokes for Talk Like A Pirate Day!

2010-09-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

Arrgh, me hearties! In two hours, it be Talk Like A Pirate Day!!! Be ye ready?
(September 19, 2010)

There be a'too many fav jokes, maties. Still, I be a'listin' three of 'em here for ye:

Q: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A: A buccaneer.

Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they spend years at C.

'N finally...

Q: What do you get with you cross a pirate with a zucchini?
A: A squashbuckler!

Map Turtles -- for real

2010-09-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

On my FaceBook page, I'd let my friends know that I'd cleaned two map turtles this week from our oil spill back in July.

One friend commented back, "What in the world is a map turtle?"
Another added, "I'm glad someone else asked that question."

I wrote back (something like, without looking it up):
"A map turtle is a creature which, if you're lost and rub its underbelly, then put it down, you can follow it wherever you want to go."

(Actually, if you just do a search for it, lots of sites pop up about map turtles.)

Strange Names of Michigan Towns

2010-09-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Riding with some boy scout leaders this past week, one told me that he used to canoe with his troop to Alaska and back. The other one topped that by saying he took his troop to Hell and back.

Yep. Alaska and Hell are two towns in Michigan along the river.

Riding a Tandem Bike

2010-09-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

While on Mackinac Island, MI, where no motor vehicles are allowed, we rented bikes for a couple hours. I took our younger son on a seat on my back wheel. My husband rode a tandem bike with our six-year-old son behind him. Thing is, on the tandem bike, the adult seat in the front did not have adult pedals or spacing. My husband's legs were moving like he was doing the doggy-paddle the entire time. Also, our six-year-old didn't mind all the hard work. He told his dad that he could relax, because he (our son) had things covered equally. Dad would pedal going up the hills, while he would pedal going down.

Herpetologist and Snaky Humor

2010-09-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

While researching snakes for a writing project, the herpetologist at Reptile Gardens in Rapid City, South Dakota, gave me a personal tour our the place during off-season winter. He answered all my questions, and so much more.

At one point, he paused in front of the emerald snakes' glass cage. Pretty animals, I thought. Aggressive animals, he said. I took a step back.

He told me they weren't poisonous, but that during the summer months, he liked to wait until there was a crowd in front of these pretty (and aggressive) animals to feed them or clean their cage. They were very passive, until he reached in, at which time the snakes came alive, striking at him with open mouths, while the visitors screamed and pointed.

He raised his long sleeved shirt and said, "See? They're just like cat scratches, and don't even hurt as much."

Herpetologist humor.

HOWEVER, the author of this post does NOT encourage you to stick hand, arm, or any other body part into a snake cage, poisonous or not. Thank you very much.

Animal Joke

2010-09-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

Question: What do you get when you mix an elephant with a jaguar?

Answer: A car with a really big trunk.

Another Funny Road Sign

2010-08-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

A road sign (actually, a billboard) in Chicago area:

Your wife is hot.
Time to get your AC fixed.

This was an ad for a Four Seasons... I think. We drove past it in Chicago-I-94 traffic.

Lookin' Pretty in the Black Hills

2010-08-26T06:32:00.000-07:00

When we lived in the Black Hills of South Dakota, we liked riding the forest roads -- dirt road, one-lane roads, don't-see-anyone roads. On one such trip -- a "we've got an hour to kill before a meeting; hey let's drive into the Hills" trip -- we got a flat tire. We're AAA members. No worries, right? Wrong. Outside of the towns, there are only three spots in the Black Hills which have cell phone coverage. We were not in one of the spots.

We guessed correctly where the spare "donut" tire was. The manual let us know the jack was in the glove compartment. My hubby lay on the rocky, dusty ground while I was to read the instructions to him. Only, I didn't have my glasses. I held the manual at arm's length, reading slowly, word by mistaken word. Time's ticking. My husband needed to be back in town for his meeting. He stood up, grabbed the book from my hands, and said, "Just stand there and look pretty."

So I did. I wonder, though: Is looking pretty in the woods when there's no one around, the same concept of "if a tree fell in the woods and there's no one around...?"

August Fairs

2010-08-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

Fairs are fun. People have worked hard all year (or summer) to bring food, produce, animals, art, and entertainment together for this one week.

It was a bit of an adjustment for our family when we moved from Erie County in Western NY, with nearly a million people living in the county, to Western South Dakota, which, when combined with North Dakota, holds about the same number of residents as Erie County.

That first August, friends took our high school son to the 4-State Regional Fair in Rapid City. Prior to this, we'd attended the Erie County Fair near Buffalo, NY, but that was a county fair, not a 4-state regional fair. Our son was thinking eye-popping huge.

When he got to the end of the runway, he looked at his friends and said, "So where's the rest of it?" They turned, and pointed down the other side of the runway.

Yep, there's a difference from urban living and frontier living. I actually appreciate them both.

Where's the rest of the fair? Spread throughout a four-state region.

It's a Cat's Life

2010-08-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

While visiting our son and daughter-in-law this past weekend, our daughter-in-law made some wise crack to my husband.

He looked at her and asked: "What will your cats do if they hear you start screaming?"

Her response: "Probably just look up at me and say, 'Why are you disturbing my nap?'"

(P.S. He would never do anything to harm our sweet daughter-in-law, and probably not the cats, either.)

Another Funny Road Sign

2010-08-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

While passing through Chicago today, we noticed a road sign which read: BRIDGE REHAB.

Of course, we were travelling with traffic, too quickly to read the finer print below it. My husband thought it was a very scary thought -- like, bridges on drugs.

My piggy-back thought was wondering if they (the bridges) mess with the "Bridge May Be Icy" signs when no one's looking. Or maybe they (the bridges, again) are actually the ones who knock over those orange cone markers.

Scary!

Turtle Joke

2010-08-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

Because I've cleaned oil off of turtles lately, here is a turtle joke for you:

When the two birds watched the turtle repeatedly climb up a tree to the first branch and push off, wildly flapping it's webbed feet all the way down to the hard ground, the papa bird said to the mama bird, "Honey, I think it's time we tell him he's adopted."

A Sad Snake Riddle

2010-08-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

I've been working cleaning animals from our local oil spill. Since we must keep quiet around the animals so they don't get stressed, laughter (especially mine, which gets a wee bit loud sometimes) is not allowed. So it's been quiet, quiet, and serious.

Here is a sad riddle for you:

Question: When is a snake slimy?

Answer: When it is caught in an oil spill. (Because, as we all know, snake skin is normally really smooth and not slimy at all -- at least if you stroke it from head to ... er... end.)

WAIT A MINUTE! That wasn't clean humor, that was dirty humor.

(I promise when I can laugh out loud again, I'll start re-posting.)

Number Joke in Honor of Today -- 8-9-10

2010-08-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

Today is August 8th, 2010. In honor of 8-9-10, here is a number joke for you all:

Question: Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Answer: Because 7 8 9.

(scary)

Be Prepared -- More Cell Phone Phun

2010-07-30T13:39:00.000-07:00

We always try to be prepared when we go out or travel. Once when my husband was on a conference in Jackson Hole, WY (now called Jackson BTW), I decided to take the day off and travel through the Tetons taking photos. I had everything I needed -- and my husband made sure I did as well. I had the keys to the van, my driver's license, AAA card, credit cards, money, cell phone, water, and a packed lunch. A kiss good-bye, and he was off to his conference, while I was off on my photo adventure.

Just outside of Jackson is a pull-over with a sign. So I pulled over, and got out to read it. I parked and stepped into the cool autumn mountain air. When I turned around, the view of the Tetons was breathtaking. I went back to the van to get my camera. As I was pulling it out, the wind whipped the door against my elbow, and slammed the door shut. I took some awesome photos, then went to get into the van to continue my adventure.

The doors were locked. Apparently, that tricky wind knocking the door against my elbow, pressed down the lock button. I stood, alone, within sight of town, but no one around even on the road, as I looked through the van windows onto the seat at all the things I need for just such an emergency.

(The end of the story is that a kind, but rare to that pull-over, visitor let me use his cell phone to call. Then, about an hour later, a AAA truck pulled up in the pull-over. It took about ten seconds for the man set my van free, and for me to be off to see what other sort of trouble... I mean, adventure... I could get myself into.)

Kristin Chenoweth Singing "Taylor the Latte Boy"

2010-07-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

Can't seem to get the correct url for a quick link.

For a little bit of work, it will be worth it. Check out youtube and type in: Kristin Chenoweth Singing "Taylor the Latte Boy."

Thanks to Friend Ruth for passing on this video. Wish I could have easily passed it on to you!

A Fly On Our Wall -- Consequences

2010-07-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

Getting ready for bed, I heard a crash coming from the kitchen as plastic things cluttered to the floor. Then came my husband's steadied, angry voice: "Whoever did that should be shot... slowly!"

Not knowing for sure what happened, but reasoning that since only two of us live in the house now, and he wasn't claiming to be the one who "did that," and only slightly worried about the consequences of my words, I said from the bedroom: "Buh... aaaaa... nnng."

Another Michigan Road Sign

2010-07-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

There's a road sign in Kalamazoo which reads:

"Complete left turn when traffic clears."

Um... yes.

I like my husband's response to the sign: "That takes the fun out of it!"