Wedding Humor Story

Another story from when our son got married & my dad...

As mother-of-the-groom, one of my jobs was to walk down the aisle and light my son's candle for him to have available for the unity candle. So mother-of-the-bride and mother-of-the-groom walked down the aisle together, lit our candles, then retreated. I was then escorted down the aisle back to the first pew, and sat next to my father. In his none-too-quiet voice, he turned to me and said, "Well, aren't YOU special."

Wedding Joke -- Here Comes The Bride

I went to a wedding this weekend. It reminded me of "a funny" which happened to my sister when she got married several years ago.

Our father was pushing 80, and on a drug which gave him lousy short-term memory, as well as release any inhabitions he may have had. My sister planned an outdoor wedding. It downpoured. The only shelter was a walk-around porch around 2 sides of a nearby building, which was locked. So half the guests stood along one side, while the other half stood along the other. Dad walked my sister down the aisle.

He knew it was her wedding. He knew there was no music. So he decided to add his own.

"Here comes the bride...," he started singing in his booming bass voice. My sister felt warm and wonderful. Her daddy was singing to her when all other music for her wedding had failed. "... Big, fat and wide..." he concluded in his same loud voice.

Chain-Reaction Vomit

I was substitute teaching for the first time in this one kindergarten class. The classroom arrangement had six children sitting around each round table, with a basket of pencils, markers, scissors, etc. in the middle. It was early in the school year, so the kids were hardly used to having their own teacher, let alone a sub. Still, the day was going well... until...

One child threw up.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that instead of vomiting in the bathroom, or even on the floor, he let it go forward -- towards the center of the round table.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that as I turned to the sound, I witnessed three others at his table following suit. Before I could respond even with a step forward, a couple other students at other tables joined in the fun.

Thankfully, gone are the days when the teachers have to do the cleaning up. Yes, my friends, there is something good to say about contagious diseases from bodily fluids.

"Everyone up!" I commanded.

The little ones didn't hesitate in obeying this stranger-adult.

"We're going for a walk."

School policy (I knew because our two sons went to the school) was that anyone who vomited was sent home for the day. I marched the entire class down to the office. Dropped off the six green kids, explaining that, in IMO, only one child, the first "offender," was actually ill. Then, I took the kids outside for a walk around the school -- a couple times. (The school did not have a playground, but thankfully the fall weather was fine for a fresh-aired walk.) When we returned the windows were opened, the messes were cleaned up, and gone was any reminder-smell.

Fish Joke (Twice Told)

SHORT VERSION --
Question: What did the little fish say when it hit its head against the concrete wall?
Answer: Dam.

LONG VERSION (which happened yesterday; and yes, Ross is an adult) --
Jeff: What did the little fish say when it hit its head against the concrete wall?
Ross: (looking at Sandy for a hint)
Sandy: Oh ___ ...
Ross (moving his lips like a fish, and turning to Jeff): OH-WOH-WOH.
Sandy: No, Ross. That's not the answer. It was Oh-Something.
Jeff: It wasn't Oh-Something. Ask me the question back, Ross.
Ross (thinking...): What did the little fish say when it hit its head against the cement wall?
Jeff: It wasn't a cement wall. It was concrete.
Ross: What's the difference?
Jeff: (Gave explanation of the difference)
Ross: Oh. Okay. So, what did the little fish say when it hit its head against the concrete wall?
Jeff: Dam.
Ross: (Mouth dropped open and eyes popping out of his head at Jeff saying "that word.")
Sandy (laughing): It's a three-letter word, Ross, not a four-letter one!
Ross: Oh-h-h!

Mystery Solved: Which Came First?

We had egg salad sandwiches for lunch.
We're having crock-pot chicken for supper.

4th of July Joke

An old, but true-blue joke for the 4th of July...

Question: Do people in the UK observe the 4th of July?

Answer: Yes. And the 5th and the 6th and the 7th of July, too.

Spilled package of Seed

I'm sure these things must happen to other people, only, they simply don't confess them like I do.

1) It was dark-ish, more like dark twilight.
2) I was tidying up the kitchen,
3) ... in my summertime bare feet,
4) ... without turning on the light.

There's just something about the l-o-n-g evenings of June and July which thrill me -- enough to not use lights until I'm almost ready for bed. It used to drive me crazy as a kid to have to go to bed in the summer while it was still light out. But as an adult, I love that deepening twilight time.

So, there I was, tidying the kitchen counter in the dark, when I came across an opened package of bean seeds. I knew it was beans because I had just planted a third crop of them earlier that day. The top of the package was folded over. I picked it up to move it to the other seeds, where it belonged.

However, I soon discovered that even though the top was folded, not only was I holding the package upside down, but it wasn't bean seeds after all. Tiny radish seeds sprinkled out past the folds and over the kitchen floor.

Ever step on radish seeds, in the dark, in bare feet? As a kid, the soles of my feet would have been too calloused to notice such things. As a twilight adult, seeming rather like the Princess and the Pea, I felt every single tiny bugger work its pain up to my brain as I made my way over to the light switch where I brushed off my soles and went to find a broom and dustpan.

All right. Confess up. Anyone else ever do something like that?